Crash Course

If pidgin is gonna be a problem, close this page now. It’s kinda graphic but it had to be. Loosely based on true events. Errors in characters’ grammar are deliberate.

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“I no go huzzle (till infinity) but I go bubble (till infinity)…”

I pick d phone. Wizboyy na my man. I no go change my ringing tone till I buy my own jeep. Or till Showkey Baba release song again; anyone wey sha happen first.

“Hello, omo how far na?” Na my guy Kajeta been dey call.

“Guuuuy! Yawa don gas o!”

“Ahn ahn. Wetin happen?”

“Jolomi don get belle oh!”

“Jolo-wetin?”

“Jolomi! And she dey tell men say na you give am d belle.”

“Give wetin? I never see im pant na! I never kiss am sef. How I wan take pregnant am?” Make I tell una true: I been don see her pant sha. Smelling pant for dat matter. But I no wan enter yawa abeg. Which kain wahala be dis?

“Omo, d babe dey tell men for area say na you give am sha. Make you know wetin you go do o. Ehen.”

“No mind d babe joo. She dey find who go buy baby food for am. Notin do u my guy. Tank you.”

“Ok na.” I cut phone. Kajeta na my person but you no fit trust anybody for Orile-Iganmu for dis kain matter. Everybody dey find your gist for here. Any fuck up na for your head.

“Hello, Jolomi!”

“Hey Big Daddy! How are you doing?”

“Jolomi! Who be your Daddy? Betta go ask ya Mama o. Na me you dey speak English for? If I sound you from here ehn…” I jus dey para. See dis babe o!

Ahn ahn…. Honey bunsh, why are you angry?” Jolomi still dey follow me blow grammar.

“Who be your… in fact, I no get your power today. I just call you to warn you: no dey teh people say na me give you belle o! I go wound you for dis Iganmu o!”

“But dat day, you no wear condom na,”

“Oh you don learn pidgin sharp sharp abi? Which day abeg?”

“Ifeanyi, we had sex on the twenty-six na!” because d babe know me from small na im make she dey try me abi?

“Dis one wey you dey call me Ifeanyi. My name no be Ifeanyi again. My name na Crash Cos. CRASH-COS!”

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Actually sha, d name wey my mama give me na Ifeanyi but I don stop to answer dat name since. Na one Oyibo mam give me d name when I small. Dat tori long sha. One day I fit gist una. I sha no dey gree make anybody call me Ifeanyi again. Unless my momsy or my broda.  Jolomi liver no dey finish.

Ah. Jolomi.

Jolomi na babe wey I don know tey tey. All we grow for d same area. We even go d same primary school sef. I suppose senior Jolomi like two years sha but I no sure. E get when I hear say she follow her aunty go stay for Satellite Town. But around October last year, she come back. I suspect say dat her aunty na farmer because Jolomi come resemble person wey dey chop fertilizer. D babe just full ground. Her balcony and her BQ na grade one! We don jam once or twice for area but she no dey gree hear my yans. I don try tire but she no dey gree.

Until 26^th December; when we do our Christmas carnival.

Dat day I don drink enough stout. I dey dance like crase person. I come see d babe for one corner. She sef dey dance. She sef don high. I reach dia na so I begin grove d babe. I grove am for dance floor sotey she sef KNOW say person grove am. And na rough dancingo. You know as we dey do for area na. Na so she give me back come dey feel my oil pipeline. She turn face me.

“Ifeanyi, where your house dey?” Omo, dat day I no even send say she call me Ifeanyi.

“My house dey for the next street.” Jolomi just draw me for hand dey carry me go my own house.

Oh boy! Jolomi sabi d tin! D girl dey wine waist die. Me sef I surprise o! No wonder she dey do shakara. D babe kpekus carry anointing! See waya! I nearly trowey on time but I too smart for dat one. I form stoppage sharply.

“Jolomi wait abeg, wait…” I gats get myself for one or two minutes.

“Oooh,” she begin complain, “Ifeanyi, e mean say you no get power?”

“Sharrap dia! Jolomi I wan ask you one question.”

“What is it?” d idiot come dey eye me,

“You be ashawo?”

“Which kain stupid question be dat? You see me for ashawo house before?”

“No na but see as you dey move. Na ashawo movement be dat na.”

“Oh. How you take know as ashewo dey move? Abi you sef don carry ashi before?” I clear my throat. For  my mind I first beg God to forgive me before I lie:

“No na. Never. Tufia. I don pass dat level na.”

“Continue dis tin before I lose interest joo,” by then, I don steady again. After like twenty minutes, I finish. As I dey finish, my eye dey clear…

And as my eye dey clear na im I realize say I no even wear raincoat.

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As a responsible somebody wey no sabi him papa, I no wan do Jolomi and my pikin as my Papa take do me. I make up my mind say I go help d babe as my hand reach. Even before she born.

“Hello,”

“Hey. Ifeanyi… How na?” Dis girl no dey gree fear god.

“Atink I don tell you tire. My name no be Ifeanyi. Make you dey call me Crash-Cos.”

“No be Ifeanyi be d name wey your mama give you?”

“You be my mama?” She finally keep quiet. I begin yan wetin I carry for mind.

“I say make I help you handle some tins as e be say you carry my pikin for dat ya big belle. E get anytin wey you need?”

“Hmmm…” She begin form tinkin. Shakara no go kill Jolomi.

“I dey go do my ultrasand tomorrow,”

“Wetin be dat?” Jolomi and dis her yeye grammar sef. No be like say she finish primary six. She dey fail pass Danfo fan-belt. Na too much film dey deceive am.

“Na just scanning to see weda my pikin dey alright.”

“How much you need?”

“Like two-five sha.”

“I fit follow you come?”

“If you like.” If I like. Mssstchew.

Jolomi na small tif sha because e come be say d scan cost one-five. She still collect d two-five from me sha. She say d 1k na ‘pregnancy allowance.’ Orile armed robber.

Na so we dey inside d hospital. Doctor rub one kain tin on top Jolomi belle and den she carry anoda tin put on top am. Picture come dey show for one small screen.

“Oga na your pikin be dat o.” I squeeze eye begin look like say I understand wetin dey show for d screen. To god I no see anytin. D doctor sef dey look screen, dey look d belle come dey talk.

“Your baby is quite healthy.” I hear “healthy” I happy small. Doctor continue to dey yan.

“From what I can see here, your baby is about four months old and doing well,” my blood just cold

“Doctor, say wetin? You sure?”

“Very sure. Maybe even five months but definitely at least four.”

“Four mont? Jolomi dis na February na!”

“Ehen? So?” Jolomi dey look me like say I no well.

“So wetin? No be December 26 me and you do paroles? How come pikin don reach four months? Abi na my ciga give you belle?” Jolomi come dey understand wetin don happen. Shame catch am immediately.

“I don dey warn you. I don dey warn you, Jolomi. Repent and stop workin ashewo. I don dey warn you.” Jolomi no fit answer. She just confuse. She come dey look d doctor like say na him betray Jesus. If to say I sabi read bible, I for show am where dem keep Judas. She come begin count finger. I just dey look am. Abi she don crase finally finally?

“Okaaaaaay. E be like say na Moruf get am sha. I no calculate well be dat.” I no know wetin to do Jolomi. Even to insult am tire me.

“Jolomi please give your life to Christ. I don tell you.” I no even wait again sef. Na run I run commot for hospital. I later regret because I for demand my two-five from dat mumu girl.

But I happy gaan! For evening, I just arrange myself dey drink, dey dotti eye for Iya Ibeji joint for Opeleyeru street. One woman dey sell drink for Onyah but her shop near one white garment church. I no fit dey look Jesus picture dey manya. Anyway, d shepe been make sense that day. Like say Iya Ibeji know say beta tin happen for my side.

I sha dey my own jejely when Napodia come pass. Napodia na Iya Ibeji first pikin. My people, una for come see yansh na!

See yansh!

Make I talk am again: yanshhh!

E possible say d yansh size increase because of d shepe wey dey my body dat evening sha. I no sure. Napodia fit tall pass me small. She no black but she no yellow. Her face no too fine but I no dey chop face.

“Heyss! Come here!” My voice sef come strooong. Napodia turn look me. I don dey notice d babe before but she no dey fine for my eye. But as she look me dat day, I look am back. Omo, d babe no too bad sha. Shepe get power o.

“Na wetin?!” she nearly dey shout sef. Idiot. She know who I be?

“I say come here my friend! You know why I dey call you?” she carry tray but notin dey inside. E be like say she been dey help her mama do sontin but I no send. She begin waka dey come.

“Oya. Na wetin make you dey call me?”

“I call you because I have one question for you,” Jolomi take style teach me English sha. And I don hiiiiigh…

“Wetin be d question,” Mumu sef dey squeeze face for me. Dis Napodia deserve slap. In fact, all d girls for dis area deserve slap!

“My question is: why your yansh big like dis?” As I dey ask, my hand don fly go her back go slap d yansh small. She no dey fear?

“Common, remove ya hand. Common!” She dey slap my hand but she dey laugh small join.

“Why won’t I slap d yansh? You sef no see as e big. If to say you be me, you no go slap d yansh?” D yeye babe begin laugh more. I know say maga don fall. Idiot…

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“I no go huzzle (till infinity) but I go bubble (till infinity)…”

I pick d phone. Wizboyy na still my man. I never buy jeep and Showkey never serious yet.

“Hello, guy how far na?” Na my guy Kajeta been dey call. Again.

“Guuuuy! Yawa don gaaassssss o!”

“Ahn ahn. Wetin happen again?”

“Napodia don get belle!”

“Napo-wetin?”

All dis Orile winches no go kill me!