Captain von Clapp Trapp (2)- Shattap!
Hello, ardent followers of crap. It’s that time of the month again. Not for you, silly woman! I meant me. Gee whiz! It’s football season and I play with my small team once every month. The games are always hectic. Meaning? I cramp too!
Ok. Where were we? Ah yes…
Two people were trying to fall for each other: what else is new?
This week, I decided to include a trivia section. Why? Yep, you guessed it: for no bloody reason at all. Nice to see you guys are catching on swiftly. I reserve the right to remain quirky!
THIS WEEK’S POINTLESS TRIVIA
In the 1800s, advancements in the inner workings of toilets were made, the bulk of which form the basis for the structure of the toilets we use today. Those refinements were made by an English plumber called… wait for it… Sir Thomas CRAPPER!!! Seriously…
Now how’s that for toilet humour?!
“Back to you M and T….”
Book II: Freedom of Screech
Theo Gee: gess wat
Morim P: What?
Theo Gee: its bn two weeks since our little… wateva this iz… startd
Morim P: Really?
Theo Gee: yea.
Morim P: and they say boys don’t remember dates…
Theo Gee: oh but we do. we just choose not to
Morim P: Pardon?
Theo Gee: never mind. I’m just makin excuses for our fathomless amnesia
Morim P: Lol.
Theo Gee: anyways… I gotta question for you
Morim P: aks away
Morim P: I meant ask
Theo Gee: HOLY SMOKERSVILLE!!!
Morim P: what???
Theo Gee: u jst made a typo!
Theo Gee: she breathes! by God shes human!
Morim P: hehe. you’re not seriouhsd
Theo Gee: pinch me. anoda!
Theo Gee: hey, evil spirit… wat v u done wit my friend?
Morim P: I make typos, don’t I?
Theo Gee: nt wen we’re chattin dear
Morim P: really? that’s mighty surprising. But oh well… I guess your carefree style has caught me some
Theo Gee: ouchie. anywy bak 2 my questn
Morim P: yeah
Theo Gee: well, questionS
Morim P: Whatever. Fire!
Theo Gee: do u ave any tattoos?
Morim P: hmmm
Theo Gee: wat r u thinkin about? u do or you don’t!
Morim P: I’m trying to figure out how many I should tell you abt.
Theo Gee: *&@^%^$#@#@!!!
Morim P: what? Can’t handle a girl with tatts? You asked didn’t you?
Theo Gee: w/out expectin a positive reply
Morim P: Well, you got one. I have a bunch of tattoos.
Theo Gee: Where
Theo Gee: ?
Morim P: EVE
Morim P: RYW
Morim P: HERE
Morim P: !
Theo Gee: (gulp)
Morim P: And piercings…
Theo Gee: KM. KMN…
Morim P: In english please
Theo Gee: kill me. kill me now.
Morim P: Lmao. So… not so keen on meeting me now, are you?
Theo Gee: emmm…
Morim P: Theo?
Theo Gee: yes?
Morim P: BUZZINGA!
Theo Gee: wat?
Morim P: ever seen ‘the Big Bang Theory?’
Theo Gee: nope
Morim P: you should. A character in that show says ‘BUZZINGA’ everytime he plays a prank
Theo Gee: oh. so that means… no piercings?
Morim P: or tatts
Theo Gee: praise d livin Jesus!!!
Morim P: You’re such a dumbass
Theo Gee: phew. Ok. clozest I’v com 2 a heart attck
Morim P: but I thought you were devoid of prejudices. Especially after you said you didn’t mind that I was Yoruba
Theo Gee: I have limits o! imagine carryin a tattooed up chic to my folx.
Morim P: our parents can be sooo conservative
Theo Gee: imagine my speech: “hi mom. hi dad. dis is my gf. she might look crazy but I swear she isn’t. besides, she has perfect teeth!”
Morim P: You are just not serious
Theo Gee: thank ya! b4 I forgt: if somday we ever have kids…
Morim P: in your marijuana-induced dreams. But keep going
Theo Gee: lolz. aas I was saying, if we eva hav kidz, never evr make us call one of em Bolaji
Morim P: why on earth not? it’s actually a cool name
Theo Gee: why not? cuz all my demented friends will call me ‘daddy b.j.’ till I die of frustration!
Morim P: hahahahahaha. But I’d love for you to die of frustration!
Theo Gee: I wont evn reply dat
Morim P: why not, daddy? lol
Theo Gee: movin on… next question. any hidden skill/talent?
Morim P: explain
Theo Gee: lyk can u burp d alphabet or sing lyk lena horne?
Morim P: who on earth’s Lena Horne?!
Theo Gee: old skool crooner. one of the best I tel u
Morim P: whatever you say, Methuselah…
Theo Gee: so? any talents?
Morim P: Nah. I’m a talentless member of the proletariat. I slave to my paycheck… What about you?
Theo Gee: I make jokes. sometyms
Morim P: really? who’d have thought. Bleh. Dude that’s not ‘special’
Morim P: everybody’s funny at one point in time or the other. Besides, I already know you’re funny
Theo Gee: not like that. I mean I write jokes dt I send to get published in mags. for real.
Morim P: any of your jokes got published?
Theo Gee: one
Morim P: no kiddin. can I see?
Theo Gee: I’ll av to dig it up. thru it smwhr
Morim P: …
Theo Gee: found it! it’s dirty tho
Morim P: the joke?
Theo Gee: no, the paper I wrote it on
Morim P: oh. lol
Theo Gee: and of corse the joke. bt make up yr mind 4 yrself
Theo Gee: sendin now
Morim P: okay
Theo Gee: do you si it?
Morim P: i… just did. Hang on a sec while I read
* * * * *
While we wait for Morim to finish reading said joke (how slow can she be, right?) could I indulge you in some witty anecdote about why oysters are an aphrodisiac? No? You want to get back to the story? Well, I don’t! Choir sing with me:
“This is my story, this is my song…
I’ll say my rubbish,
Long as I want,
This is my story, this is my song
Pissing you all off,
Turns me right on!”
How do you like that? Ooh before I forget: “Aaaaaa-men!”
My nephew has gone to school today. His parents think he’ll get smarter this way. That might work for genuine dimwits but this fella’ couldn’t get any wiser if his school was called I.Q.Points-R-Us.com.
“M and T, take it away…”
* * * * * *
Morim P: Theo?
Theo Gee: Im hia
Morim P: my question
Theo Gee: ask
Morim P: what mag published this joke of yours?
Theo Gee: *big smile* PENTHOUSE!
Morim P: that mag filled with naked models?
Theo Gee: yeah baby!
Morim P: You read that?
Theo Gee: Umm. no. bt my uncle does. he subscrybs sef
Morim P: Little wonder
Theo Gee: wat?
Morim P: that is one vile joke
Theo Gee: its not DAT vile
Morim P: but it kinda is. luckily though, it’s mildly funny.
Theo Gee: mildly?
Morim P: work with me here dude. I’m trying
Theo Gee: ok
Morim P: but you could take this a step further
Theo Gee: ??
Morim P: your joke thing. Ever considered stand-up comedy as a part-time commitment?
Theo Gee: no. scared of krowdz
Morim P: you shouldn’t be. You seem (I’m guessing) like someone who has a big presence
Theo Gee: *blushing*
Morim P: Technically, black people can’t blush
Theo Gee: quit sidetrackin
Morim P: Okay. Anyway, my point is that you could do this.
Theo Gee: Rily? stand-up?
Morim P: yessir! even the way you chat is hilarious!
Theo Gee: hmm. I’l think abt it
Morim P: don’t think. Act. Now.
Theo Gee: y now?
Morim P: because I know enough to believe you can do it. It’s a lady’s cliché but ‘you have potential’
Theo Gee: wow. thanx
Morim P: you’re welcome
Theo Gee: no 1 has ever sed dt to me before..
Morim P: hahahaha. Dude! You sound like a cheap, z-list rom-com. I understand but please.
Theo Gee: I see wat u mean. it just came out lyk dat sha. I fil exposd
Morim P: then put some clothes on!
Theo Gee: lolz again. should I be d one doin d standup?
Morim P: I don’t know about that…
Theo Gee: Morim?
Morim P: yes?
Theo Gee: I think I like you
Morim P: wow. the way you said that
Theo Gee: well?
Morim P: well, what?
Theo Gee: I jst used the miniature ‘L’ word dats wat!
Morim P: well then, I think I have a question
Theo Gee: shoot
Morim P: why does your profile say that you’re ‘in a relationship with Tina Q?’
* * * * * *
I personally think this is a good place to yell ‘cut!’ Don’t you? Your opinions don’t matter anyway. Besides, what better way to keep my ratings up than with a nice little cliffhanger of sorts. So till I come your way again, same time next…
I’m not sure when I’ll be back.
Some of you are expecting me to say something funny to end this entry. Well, I shan’t. Moral of the story? Never provoke a quirky cramping person.
I’m off to watch a series of naughty movies. I solemnly pledge to tell you about them.
For those who think I’m harsh towards my nephew, consider this: I gave him the honour of picking out a word that rhymes ‘clap’ and ‘trap’ so that I could add the chosen word to the title for the sequel.
See what he came up with?
Closing Snippet: Theo’s Joke
Q: Why did the nurse at the sperm bank give Shaquille O’Neal a tiny cup?
A: Because big things come in small packages!