I’m Fine

Long time no post. Just decided to take stab at this. New territory for me. Be merciful…
************************************
************************************

I’ve been watching chic flicks all friggin’ week. I’m normally a sci-fi, senseless shooter kind of guy. Like when I’m really moody, I just watch thrillers and horror flicks and be done with it.
“The Exorcist” got me through a really rough patch. Losing a prized mobile phone to pick-pockets could be devastating but nothing that couldn’t be solved by watching a child hurl the vilest curses at a priest. Good times.
And now? I’m fine.

No really, its not a problem. Yes, she left me only recently. Yes, I bragged that she was the one. Yes, she probably WAS the one. Yes, I have slight hallucinations most mornings now. I see her, I touch her, I smell her, I sense her, I long for her. Bla, blabbity bla. My rom-com binge is probably catching up with me though. I’m not speaking all these things from my heart. I’m not unfurling my innermost, truest feelings as you may think. That ought to serve me right for watching “The Notebook” thrice a day. Next thing you know, I’ll be writing letters every week for a year to her. Tufia! Quasi-negros puh-leaase. Told you before, I’ll tell y’all again:
I’m fine.

I mean… Granted, the constellations have conspired to pull us apart. No, it wasn’t my fault. I did nothing wrong. Curious, isn’t it? I’m normally the one who has messed up. Well it wasn’t her fault either. I’m not willing to get into it. I’m not in denial. Fuck you for that! What’s it to you anyway? It just became too hard. For her, maybe for me. I don’t know.
What I do know…
Is that I’m fine.

I mean it stings like 45 battalions of jelly-fish are having a nibble-party on my genitals but then that’s no big deal. What? I have tears in my eyes? So? I had them in my eyes when I was four. Who says I’ve aged all that? Look, it’s not even tears you see. It’s sweat. All this stress has made me start to perspire more. I’m wiping it all off now. Can’t you see….?
What now? My sobbing? Am I sobbing? Oh dear. Sounds like I am. Well maybe the emotions I masked from watching “Million Dollar Baby” just came flooding back. It was a really sad movie. Watched in error, I promise. The guy at the rental gave me the wrong flick. I asked for WrestleMania. Too lazy to return it. I promise you also…
That I’m fine.

I SAID I’M FINE NAH! I’M FINE!!! I’M NOT LOSING IT. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS LOSING IT! QUIT TELLING ME I’M YELLING. I KNOW MY VOICE CAN BE LOUD SOMETIMES BUT I’M NOT YELLING! NO, I’M NOT SAD OR MOPING OR MOURNING. SHE LEFT. SO WHAT? SO BLEEDING WHAT??? DOES IT EVEN CONCERN YOU? I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE WITH ALL THESE INTRUSIVE QUESTIONS YOU’RE ASKING ME. GET OUT OF MY SPACE. LIKE I’VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES IN THE SPACE OF A FEW FUCKING MINUTES…
I…
AM…

******************
I’m alone but in a crowded space. No one around me but I feel enclosed. I’m shut out from the world they claim to have let me into. This bed is so cold. I look at the alarm clock/thermometer on the bedside table. 30 degrees.
How come I’m shivering? How did I get here? There’s a cup of something that looks like it’s supposed to be hot beside the alarm clock/thermometer. I doubt any of it has gotten inside me. I feel so cold. So alone. And so cold again.
I’m closing my eyes now. Trying not to think. Or feel. Or sense. They must have put me in here. I have no memory of crawling onto this soulless, detached mattress. Did I pass out? Oh dear.
Then the pain.

It’s like an empty pain. There’s no feeling on that spot. Numbness. But it still hurts an incredible lot. I almost pass out again from the sheer intensity. I’m shivering now. Powerful tremors coursing through the entirety of my being. Unwittingly, my head crashes into the headboard. Not unlike what reality did to my dreams.

No…

I’m not fine.

Advertisements

About cikk0

I think I'm proper sane. A lot of people seem to think different. Oh well... Locate a brother on twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/cikk0

Posted on July 18, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.

  1. Nice write up bro…… Tru live experience. I jus came out of one like dis also

  2. Hmmmm *speechless*

  3. Wow! Wow! Wow!

    First off, if chick flicks can evoke such strong emotions, I should overdose on tht stuff. Secondly, u aint fine bro…lol.

    Great piece. Reminds me of a time in my life when I too ws left dejected and broken by a….. *sigh* I’m fine

  4. *Plays LDR’s dark paradise in the background* I wish I was dead BUT I still believe I’m fine. Good read. Relatable

  5. Very, very good. Somehow, I kept waiting for a punch line. One could actually feel your pain. Nice one.

  6. Oluwatimilehin

    damn. I feel u bcos im going thru the exact same thing now. Damn 😦

  7. I know this feeling…I know it’s cliché to say but yea it gets beta with tym…u might never really let go…but u learn to live wiv it…like having ur very own pet-ghost *giggles* WELL WRITTEN!!!

  8. I love the writing… Made me feel this. Thank God I don’t know this feeling.
    I’m always fine….or am I? :s

  9. Really good bro. Reads like spoken word. Full of emotion that brings the best out of your creativity. Tres dope.

  10. I totally cried at the end of Million Dollar Baby. . . Bite me. Plus, I want some of what the writer’s been drinking. . .

  11. Wait.

    Wait.

    Wait first.

    Is all this because of a phone? 😦

  12. Niiice. Totally love it!

  13. And the million dollar question is “who did Cikko strong thoing?”

  14. You’ll be fine :). I like this. Totally.

  15. Very good read. Relatable? Maybe not so much. I’ve never been in denial about not being fine. I guess that’s what helped me become fine so quickly.

    We tend to lie to ourselves about being alright but eventually our emotions betray us. Fuck feelings. Fuck your psyche. If ur brain says u r alright, then you’re alright but the heart is so fucked up that it does its own thing anyway.

    Why can’t the stupid thing just get the memo and quit churning out gay emotions and stop flagging up our weaknesses especially at a time when we need to show the world we’re unbreakable. *sigh* you’ll be fine!

  16. Yes u r not fine…u getting better…I miss Okro…

  17. Wait, I’m with Terdoo on this. SickO, Is this cos of the phone? 😦

    You’ll be fine, scratch that, You are fine already.
    Awesome read.

  18. I totally love this piece. Rminds me of a certain friend of mine.

  19. Yeah. We all know u ain’t fine (good looking). What’s new?

  20. Stellar. Period.

  21. BragginRightz

    Awwwwwww this Bro right here is speechless and that doesn’t happen so often. Extremely impressive write-up. Nice. Unique.

    Ok, don’t be gettin’ the impression I’m all musshhyyy and shiii, I’m a real G. I’m fine. ^_^

  22. Boo, hmmm. Speechless u’ve made me. How we go make u fine again na? ℓ☺ℓ.

    Nice one!

  23. In. Tense. Very.

    Well. Done.

  24. Very nice
    We can only lie to ourselves for so long before we reach our breaking point and admit to ourselves that we aint fine.

    You’ll be fine

  25. Million dollar baby, cried my eyes out..
    The notebook.. 😦
    I’m sad you’re hurting but its brought out the raw emotion that made this a fantastic read.

  26. Now I’m not fine

  27. Pity party freak..whimpering ℓike̅ a whipped poodle.. U̶̲̅ ll get over it,jare!….*runs off †̥☺ a corner and cries too*..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: