Because I Care…
Fost of us, I have no apologies for not having posted sooner. In fact, I enjoin you all to savour this post for I know not when another shall come again. Really.
Secondly, these are my views. My views. So, if you disagree, just put your comments in box below. Its not a reason to murk a brutha out on the street.
Third, these are not absolute generalizations. They may not apply to a few of us. However, if this is your sub, accept with grace.
Utter frackin poop.
See those words up there on the title? Those are the words that women the world over have been using to explain away the vilest atrocities known to mankind. Gentlemen dunces, we have been fooled. Those very words have been used to explain away every disparaging comment, every demeaning remark, every derisive snort. Not only are they used to explain away the worst crimes, we are expected to be glad. Ecstatic even. Yes brother, yes. The reason why your ego must be constantly trampled upon, the reason why you must take all the trash talk, is that SHE CARES. Let me repeat myself:
Women hate to be called nags. Scratch that. They fear that word. You have reduced them to every cliché black woman that Hollywood and in fact Nollywod has painted as abhorrent and undeserving of male attention. So even if you’re thinking it, you mustn’t say. Your head will be bitten off. Your neck is not necessarily safe to be honest.
But sweetie, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I’m sure you mean well but if you keep on worrying him, here’s what will happen:
Your perfectly good guy will leave you. Period.
I blame Jan Sardi. He’s the guy who did the adapted screenplay for the movie “The Notebook.” SOME of you will watch that flick and think that love really does conquer all. In spite of how toxic the relationship otherwise is. Don’t get me wrong: love is grrreat. But it will not keep a man.
If you haven’t had this epiphany already, let me spare you the glass-shattering sound effect and give you a nugget: men value their sanity more than their relationships. No matter how bendy you are in bed.
Because men stay in relationships to be happy. Not to be in love.
We are all selfish beings. One way or another, everything we do – seemingly altruistic or not – is for our personal gain. It might not be our exclusive gain but it is for our benefit nonetheless. Notice how warm YOU FEEL when you genuinely give something out? Yeah. Sometimes, you refuse to press home a point even though you know you are right. Why? You don’t want a fight. That way, you can watch your favourite sit-com at 8 and still laugh at their jokes. Staying HAPPY. Wrap that paradigm around every possible permutation in life and you’re swimming around in the mind of a standard guy.
Thus, men have been known to break up with women not because they had fallen out of love but because they were unhappy. We are not tree-huggers who stick around willy-nilly and just confine ourselves to a lifetime of anti-depressants. Prozac and Paxil are not the way. You need to understand that we WILL leave you at the peak of our ‘love’. If you are in a relationship with a guy who is clearly unhappy but is seemingly hanging on while waiting for Moses to come and split the rock again, ma’am he is banging his neighbour. Once daily, twice on Sundays plus special Acrobatic Sessions™ during public holidays that he doesn’t spend with you.
But gather round kids. There might be help after all. Not an exhaustive list I would imagine, but these ought to help some:
Step one is moderation. Do small small. It’s bad enough that you’re saying the truth. Don’t rub it in! Don’t wake us up with it every morning. IT IS NOT BREAD AND EGG! When that voice in your head is telling you to point him in the right direction or remind him of something (especially if you’ve done it twice before) look that ‘voice’ in the eye and say these words: “If next year’s Val’s day gift is not good for you, o voice, it is good for me.” Also…
Dear Miss Smarty Pantsy, (daughter of Mr. Saggy Pantsy and Mrs. Pullyour Pantsy) on behalf of men the world over, we would like you to know that we love to mess. Up. Mess up. We love to ‘mess up’ the other way too but y’all call that gross. So we only do that when we’re around helpless babies who we can blame it on. Poorly conceived joke aside, no matter how much you drill it into our skulls, we just cannot get it till we totally screw it up all on our own. At least once. THEN we get it. It’s kinda inexplicable. Some brothers are really dense though. They might not get it after one fall. Not sure I can help you with those. In those special cases, shock therapy might be needed. Flash em a boob or something; I don’t know. Sucks to be you though. Next time, lay down a minimum IQ requirement before you go out on a date.
Be creative. That “a woman is the NECK of the family” analogy sticks for a good reason. Twist my head just a little bit. It is your birth right saith the Lord of hosts. Run your wily charms. I am assuming for the purpose of this point that what you’re asking him to do is something that is ordinarily right or sensible but that he has somehow refused to do or hasn’t gotten around to even though he knows as much. Don’t creatively ask a guy to give you money meant for his mother’s upkeep. Lightning might solder your grabby fingers shut.
It has always baffled me how my mom has been easily able to turn my dad into an obedient mutt/ferocious warmonger whenever she needs. My dad. My dad the alpha dog who has always called the shots. My dad the disciplinarian. My dad the ex-policeman. My dad who ratted out his superiors in a public courtroom while smoking ‘singa’ no less. My mom knows what to do to him, give to him or slyly suggest to him. Ladies, y’all know as well.
I have personally made no secret of my desire to be shamelessly manipulated by whoever I date next.
(Sidenote to future babe. Three words: spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti! Scour the cooking channels for uber-special ways to make it and yours truly will wash your 40 days’ payint in public view while wearing a t-shirt that reads “I’m her b*tch. Emem?”)
The point really is this: you need him to change something for you? Pick your moment, pick your words, pick your style. Wisely. Or something like that. I’m not a woman, I don’t know these things.
See, that is curiously similar to when women want guys to “make an effort” while trying to impress them or do something nice in order to keep the relationship going. We know when you’re trying to get your way. We see you being slippery and smart. But we appreciate the effort to mask it or soften the blow. Then we obey.
But most importantly, respect your man. I don’t care that you’re much older or richer or more experienced. Talk to him with sense. When he smacks you upside the head, I will represent you in court to help you chop half his money in punitive damages for assault but the ‘koko’ will not be on my head. Respect him because he’s a self-respecting man. Respect him because he respects you. Those two bits are kind of a package deal though. Self-respecting males shall respect you. Otherwise, dump his ass. No darl, don’t try to fix him. That’s how beautiful has-beens end up on Oprah with half their faces shotgunned to Planet B6-12. Just drop his ego, take a few steps back, turn and run! I’m not there!
Ack. You there, I see you boiling and ready to tear me a new one. See the comment box? Go ahead. I’ve run away already.
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