The Restroom Obliteration
Brethren in the Lord let me warn you beforehand. If you’re one of those who DON’T think farts (and poop jokes) are funny, please move on. This post is dedicated to a nasty moment in my life that, in hindsight, was pretty funny.
Oh and the fiction should be back as soon as I can manage. Just that I think I concocted a plot too difficult to execute without looking profoundly under-informed.
Without further ado…
I was in my third year at Unilag when a very illustrious friend came around. He came to see his boys. We used to be a fearsome trio in Unilag then our friend had to go off and get rich. It is a testament to the bond that said friend used to abandon his blooming luxury to come and hang out with us at Mariere Hall.
In those days, a new “Tantalizers” had just opened up in Akoka. Our most benevolent friend took us out to lunch. Good times. I ate like a proper criminal. Rice, chicken, moi-moi, salad. No time. As a student, your next meal wasn’t sure. You had to be sharp when these opportunities cropped up.
I ate quickly and was done before the other two. We were all gisting amiably nonetheless.
Then I had to go ease myself.
I went in to pee and I must tell you, the toilets were cleeeeeean! There were two toilets and both could have passed for sitting rooms. (Technically they were. Just add ‘h’ to ‘sitting’.)
So I went in and eased myself.
But the cleanliness made me want to do more. Much more in fact, given what I’d just devoured.
I should supply you with some background info:
I was living in Mariere Hall. They cleaned the toilets only once a week (on mondays) and if you were having lectures right after your floor’s toilets were cleaned, you missed a small window within which to use a clean toilet. Come back in the afternoon and you’d meet the same hell you left before the cleaners came around. Whenever I missed the window, I often kept ‘it’ in till I went home at the weekend. That day was a thursday.
And I’d missed the last window.
So I was carrying at least four days’ luggage.
Also, the sight of such a clean toilet was as close to orgasmic as my innocent mind had known up till then.
You should also be informed of one other variable: only one of the toilets had tissue. I took the only tissue and went into the more comfy looking toilet.
What followed next is where the title of this gist came from. Bless the Lord and His holy name. I handled my biz with efficiency.
I spent a while in there. After like 10 minutes, one of the attendants was making rounds and knocked.
“I dey here,” I yelled.
“Okay bros,” he replied.
I heard the noise from the can of air-freshener as he sprayed. A short burst. Brief, perfunctory.
Another 10 minutes later and the story was different. He didn’t knock. He just yelled from the other side: “Bros, I dey hail o!” And then spray.
Long, deliberate. Dude was saving humanity.
Unfortunately, some dude knocked like another 5 minutes later (yes I was in there a long time. 4 days’ worth. Remember?) The dude asked me whether there was tissue in there with me. I said “yeah”. He said he’d be waiting for me then. I didn’t have that one’s time. I just kept at it. Finally, one of my friends got worried and came to check up on me. “Chris you in there?”
“Yes I am. Rounding up.”
By now, the guy outside was trés antsy. Shyte na bastard. He was obviously very pressed. I flushed and as I was walking out, dude ran straight in. Ran!
I smiled the most evil smile and counted to five in my head. At three, I heard a muted scream “Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Arrrrrgh!” And then quick footsteps as the guy ran. Out.
I didn’t spend half an hour in there for cone-headed boys to be running into my business. He deserved to die and almost did.
As he ran out my friend and I started cracking up. The dude came out and looked at me like I was an alien sent to destroy humanity. He was wearing native so he used the top to cover his nose and then ran back in, GRABBED THE TISSUE and then ran back the hell out. He then entered the other toilet. My friend still congratulates me on that day’s feat to this day.
Yeah. That’s my gross story for today. I’ll gist you another one from secondary school next time… Whenever that’ll be.