So… a while back, I wrote a piece for a friend’s site based on the theme “Pick Ups.” The idea was to create a story based on how to pick up a girl in a given locale. The locale I initially got was airplane. Due to certain problems beyond their control, the story I wrote had to be hurriedly edited for the locale ‘Bus’. Anyway, here is the original version of that story. Enjoy.
“YOUR SEAT IS BY THE AISLE SIR”
Bollocks. He’d asked for a window seat. This was about to be no fun whatsoever. Then he sat down. The lady on the window seat. Was. Hot.
“Jesus,” he cursed.
“Excuse me?” she said. He thought her voice was a little deep. This made her seem even hotter.
“I’m sorry. I was just… I asked the lady at the check-in counter for a window seat so I’m just a little miffed that I didn’t get it,” he offered.
“Oh. So do you always get what you want?” she asked,
“Depends. If we are talking about my six-pack, or lack thereof, no,” she smiled. “But If we’re talking about my bank account…” he paused
“Yes?” she asked sweetly even though she really disliked men who never missed a chance to flaunt their wealth.
“… then I never get what I want,” she laughed. She just might like this one.
“So what do you get?”
“Not much. So having a hottie sat beside me for the duration of a flight is a more-than-welcome bonus.”
“You think I’m a hottie?” she asked, pearly whites now out in full resplendent glory.
“I was talking about her,” he pointed to the right with his thumb. Across the aisle, a woman who was surely in her fifties was seated and looked straight ahead.
“I bet you’ve charmed your way into countless hearts with such well-aimed compliments,” she spat sarcastically. He found her angst cute.
“I’ll have you know that I truly suck at this.”
“Truth. The women I’ve gotten with were either chloroformed or…” he was making her giggle,
“Or clubbed,” he deadpanned. She burst out laughing.
“I refuse to believe that,” she managed between fits of laughter. “Okay, you know what? We’ve got roughly ninety minutes together on this flight. Woo me!”
“Really? And what shall I get? Cookies? A pat on the back? Or your old brassieres for parachute practice?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, “you might be surprised. I have surprisingly sturdy brassieres.”
He smiled. He thought this day would never come. He felt about his jacket. Time to break out the flashcards.
“CABIN CREW, GET READY FOR TAKEOFF”
“With great power comes great responsibility,” he looked at her for effect, “and access to bigger boobs!”
“Is that really what you’re starting with?” she looked shocked.
“I wanted to open with a joke.”
“Then you could have read me your bank balance.”
“Ouuuch! That was low. Even for you.”
“Isn’t that what the bank said?” she replied,
“Come on! Don’t be so mean. I’m making an effort here.”
“The hell you are,” she growled.
He discretely chucked the first of his flashcards to one side. Well mentally anyway. He did not walk around carrying them, but had those plays memorized. It was supposed to be some harmless fun but her endless stash of zingers coupled with her delicious scent and her hotness (dear Lord her hotness) made him want to give this a fair shot.
He could see that she had long shapely legs ensconced in some really fitted jeans. She was made-up but not excessively so. He could tell. Her eyes popped and her red lipstick and dark complexion really made her glistening teeth stick out every time she opened her mouth. Her mouth. Father merciful, her mouth. This was going to be a long flight.
“WE ARE EXPECTING SOME SLIGHT TURBULENCE…”
“Are we destined to be like the parallelogram? Tilted at similar angles but destined never to meet?” he offered. She looked at him while he spoke. He was lucky, she reckoned, that there was plastic airline food in her mouth. Otherwise, he’d get a dastardly reply.
“I’d like to think we are more like circles though. For what goes around, comes around,” he tried again.
And at that moment, she just thought he was a proper square. He’d started off great but had veered off into this horrendous territory. Why did men not know to just be normal when they had a girl’s attention? If only he knew that he was better off teasing rather flattering her.
“People are like triangles: we all have three sides. Our good, bad and horrendously ugly sides,” she chuckled beside him instantly.
“What?” he asked,
“I’m good-looking, you’re really bad at this and therefore this situation is about to get horrendously…” she opened her right hand and used it to cover her face.
“Crap,” he murmured.
“Is this a geometry lesson? ‘Cuz I’m beginning to feel like it is.”
“No. It is not.”
She was more than a little disbelieving when he came at her with his ‘I suck at this stuff’ line. This guy was clearly smooth once he took his foot out of his mouth. When she’d looked up and saw him approaching, she had hoped he would sit beside her. She had been sat beside a prayer warrior the last time she flew and every in-flight announcement had been met with invocation and the speaking of tongues. This was a fine brother right here. Apart from all the shape references, he spoke really intelligently and seemed so confident. And what was it about his mouth? She decided to see if she could throw a spanner in.
“You know what? Actually, I misplaced my ring recently but you should be informed that I’m engaged,” his reply was swift. “Nope. That’s untrue. I saw the attendant make you switch off your mobile phone.”
“I don’t,” she started, then paused as she caught his reference to telephone speak of the nineties. “You need help,”
“Or a violent sexual awakening. Either of which you look fully capable of providing,”
“What?” she was liking him again.
“CABIN CREW, PLEASE BE SEATED AS WE PREPARE FOR DESCENT”
He chucked the flashcards. Bloody load of good it had done him. Now, he was nervous. But he was sure. Having arrived with a screech at his wits’ end, he felt he had nowhere to run. This was as frustrating as it was exhilarating. Time to get real. This flight was about to end.
“You have to understand that it’s not easy for me to say these things,” she turned to face him. Stare quickly morphed into glare. He was unfazed as yet. “Expressing myself like this is difficult for me. It may come a lot easier for you but I…” he had to power through, “…I… I clam up most times,” now she looked bored.
“I don’t know how you got the same seat with me. Clearly I have a future in magic so please…” he could sense his honesty rising to the fore. It tasted like poop. His poop. And it seemed to be the only thing he had left now anyway, “… please let me finish the illusion. I think you are one of the smartest, clearly one of the prettiest women, I have ever met. You seem like a really genuine person too. I don’t know how I know this but I guess my magical prowess must really be taking shape. In, what, seventy odd minutes, I have been put down more times than all my previous put-downs combined…
“But I have never enjoyed it more. So when this plane lands, I just want a chance to maybe continue this conversation. Maybe you want to talk about cereal sometimes, or movies. Or maybe…”
She interrupted him by pressing her lips to his now reddening cheek. She lightly put both her palms to hold either side of his neck. Just as he closed his mouth to try to savour the sensation, she released him.
It was fleeting. But the message was clear.
“Happy now?” she said. He whistled faintly, clearly shocked. Then he put out his hand and tilted it from side to side.
“Well, I was actually hoping for just your number… so…”
She sat back laughing.
“What took you so damn long?” she asked,
“Don’t women like men that take it slow?”
“Not always. And I don’t believe you actually came at me with geometry references.”
“That wasn’t just any geometry,” he put out his hands and gestured a flying motion, “that was plane geometry!”
Silence for fifteen seconds. Then:
“Dude…” she started,
“That shit is corny.”
“You do realize we are going to need serious help if we ever date right?”
“Sure. I can’t say things right, you can’t stop…”
She looked at him in mock anger, “I can’t stop? You want to be alive long enough to get help or not?”
“What? You mean you’re going to cook for me?”
“Oh you are dead!”
“Not unless you baked the airline food! I knew it smelt like arsenic, I just wasn’t sure!”
She faced the window laughing but made sure to raise her middle finger at him.
“Wait, I thought your phone number started with a zero?” he suddenly feigned realization. “Oooh. You mean one. As in Lagos’ code yeah? Let me just grab my pen.” Still turned away, she put the base of her other palm to her forehead as she shook with laughter.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE WELCOME TO YOUR DESTINATION. PLEASE HAVE A NICE STAY”
“Okay. Promise me one thing,” she turned to face him as she spoke. People were grabbing their luggage and walking hurriedly past the crazy, noisy pair.
“Anything. Although I can’t grow my foreskin back and I can’t afford the surgery. So…”
“What?! No. Promise me that once we get off this plane, you will never try this hard ever again.”
He laughed exaggeratedly and immediately began reciting.
“I pledge to Miss Window my new bae,
To be faithful loyal and horny,
To service Miss Window with all my strength…” that was when she punched him in the stomach.
“THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH US. DID YOU ENJOY YOUR FLIGHT SIR?”
“Oh you have no idea!”