How to be a perfect dad/stepdad in NINE easy steps

  1. Understand that you can’t. You just cannot. I am 8 months in and nothing has been clearer. You cannot be perfect, the needed steps are not few and they are definitely not easy.
  2. Let. Them. Fart. It will stink and gross you out and if they are girls, it will surprise you what bursteth forth from the butts of babes but let it happen.
  3. Let a few out yourself. Not necessarily actual farts (though I am no slouch in that department) but metaphorical ones. Accept your failures and don’t hide them or redistribute blame. Kids relate more to an imperfect human. Leave the perfection to God.
  4. Keep a holy baseline. I recently learned that the point of parenting is not raising kids you like. It’s raising kids God likes. Hard but easy. Hard because we desire certain things of our kids. We have our own basic expectations of children and the frustration when those are unmet is something you cannot explain to someone who hasn’t felt it. But it is easy because God’s baselines are fairly straightforward to distill from reading the Bible. Hard again because you will probably find that you need to learn some of those traits yourself.
  5. Choose your parenting books wisely. Some of them are good and some of them are awful. I have come across a couple and as a Nigerian man who is interested in raising soldier/holy-robot hybrids, some of these white people books drive me crazy. One of them suggested leaving kids to have dirty rooms. NO! “Girls, keep ’em clean or I will set us all on fire!”
  6. Learn to chill. Obviously listen for loud squeals in case one stabs the other with a scimitar, make sure kid filters are on all your devices and make sure your country kids wear shoes out in the cold so they don’t lose toes and end up with a cool nickname like “Stubby”. Otherwise, chill. 
  7. For stepdads, expect the “you’re not my real dad” spiel. It happens. No big deal. DO NOT respond with “you’re not my real kid either”. If you do, you will grow a hoof and a mane and people will then call you “Tangled”. Instead, through affection and discipline, make it your life’s work to make them regret ever even thinking it. 
  8. Learn to make a different face when your wife or kids finds something cute and goes “Awww, how cute.” My default face is the same one I make when I walk in after one of the girls has just used the bathroom. It is a bad face. Try to make a face that says “I am neither pleased nor displeased” if you can help it. 
  9. Acknowledge that you are the dummy if you expected a fix to your parenting difficulties by reading 9 items from a new dad/stepdad with only 8 months’ experience.

About cikk0

I think I'm proper sane. A lot of people seem to think different. Oh well... Locate a brother on twitter:!/cikk0

Posted on December 30, 2020, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. You’re amazing Chris. Amazing.

  2. Nice read. are you a dad or a stepdad? congratulations!

  3. Welcome back, man. 👏👏👏👏👏

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