Baby Woes

The ups and downs of having my niece over.

February 2, 2012. My niece was born. And with her, my paternal instincts. I’ve been absolutely craving a child since I first held Abby rather uncomfortably all those months ago. I was instructed on how to position the head properly while carrying her and such and such. I visited my brother’s semi-regularly just for some Abby time. Her mother, ever happy to take a load off, is always quick to hand the baby over for the duration of my stay. Back then, Abby couldn’t crawl and wasn’t fully babbling. So we were all pleased when her parents dropped her off at ours. Grandma was predictably overjoyed. That was on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Things have changed. Albeit slightly.

No, we don’t hate the baby just yet. She’s still at that age when she poops and it’s cute. Stank but cute. Two words I thought I’d never see side by side but life teaches you. Safe to say that my paternal instincts have been considerably doused. Sheesh! That baby is a smiling terrorist! She’s crawling pretty smartly now so she gets into weird, hidden corners before you can say “La Campagne Tropicana” three times without blabbing. (80s babies will get that reference)

She’s always putting things in her mouth so you gotta watch her closely. The other day, I saw her resting in my rather buff cousin’s embrace. He’s really buff sha. I’m a blob as is but he makes me look like the Michelin Man got stuck in a self-replenishing Sallah buffet. Anyways, Abby was chilling in his arms looking serene and lovable. Tried to carry her but she nor gree. Dude was smiling and happy. I was just pissed that even with toddlers, muscle-bound ape-men are still stealing my chics!

Later that afternoon, she pooped in his arms (while sans diapers) and I felt at peace again. Woohoo!

Oh. The poop! We bless God for diapers but even then, I’m just filled with trepidation: what if it drops?! She’s crawling all over the place and the diaper is clearly sagging from the weight of her droppings. You’re in NO MOOD to change it so you just stand back and stare and pray that the thing was stuck together really firmly.

And I always know when she’s about to release stuff. She could be seated on my lap and will just pause in mid-crazy-baby-chant and start looking at me. That’s the tell: the abrupt pause. Next thing, I’m feeling bubbly movements from beneath her and hearing muted noises. That’s my cue to start praying though. Hian.

It’s one thing to go and hang with her overnight at my brother’s but having her over is not a small sontin. One baby wears out four grown people by evening. That’s ridiculous, no? We’re all switching and taking turns and at the risk of sounding like a horrible person, we cannot wait for her Momsy to come take her away. I now see the point of baby-proofing.

Pleas spare a thought for her parents who’ve not had a moment’s peace since February. They got married in August last year and didn’t really get a proper honeymoon. This week is for them. You there! Stop doing the math. She was preggers when they wed. Get over it.

I’m still spoiling to be a Dad sha but just not that soon. When I marry, my wife and I are NOT having pikins for one year! I will use hand to hold her eggs if need be because once that baby shows, its over!

Had to run to the bathroom to type this. I can hear Abby giving my couz hell outside. She’s a super cute toddler though so we can’t be too mad to be honest. And you can’t tell me nothing: Barney the Dinosaur has Downe’s or is dyslexic.

Happy New Year to all that read my blog! God bless you immensely in 2013. I’m planning to take John Okro to thenakedconvos.com this year so stay…errrm…tuned?

Ooh and new music. Download “Lovesick” by Rapsody (@iamrapsody) and I