A Crash Course in Burglary Proof

Wow. 9 months since I first penned Crash Course. I’m awful at this. And yes, this is also in pidgin. And this is also raunchy
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I like my landlord. Na correct guy. Him build dis im house well well. You don see ‘Face Me I Woze You’ wey carry burglary proof for window before? Omo dem fit dey but na Island yard dey get all dat one. You nor fit see am for dis we Orile. For me to pack out of dis yard go hard. Sotey landlord build toilet reach two for backyard.  Anyway sha, dat evening I just baff dey fresh dey expect person. Me and Napodia been get appointment. She suppose come yard come see Patrick. I know say una don begin dey tink who be “Patrick”. If you remove the ‘at’ inside im name, you go know say Patrick na our best friend for area. We dey pamper am and everything wey we dey reason na to benefit Patrick.

U don kana am?

My mainest man na one boy wey dem dey call Credit. Him dey sell chemist for area. After I go gist una why we call am dat name. Me and d idiot get appointment so I reason say make I call am warn him papa spirit not to near my house today as per say because babe dey come.

“Credit, how far now?”

“Crashito! How paroles na?”

“I dey. Which levels?”

“Omo, I go soon begin come your side o. Make I just free small for shop. Boys broke die. Shebi if I come you drop for me ba?” Dis fool dey always beg money but no be im make I give am dat name sha.

“Drop ke? I resemble your mama bobby?”

“Guy no dey cuss my mumsy bobby o!”

“Why I no go cuss am? Una dey buy broom? No be d tin wey una dey use sweep yard?”

“You don start o, you don start! Na wetin na?” I smile where I dey. Any small yabis dey can sabi pain Credit.

“Guy calm down. No vex. I say make I call you tell you say make you no show again o.”

“Ah ah. Make I no show? Why?”

“Napodia dey come,”

“Ahhhhhh! My chairman!” Nothing dey sweet boys pass to hear say woman dey come find man. Credit just continue to dey hail.

“Guy, she go visit Patrick side?” Which kain stupid question dis boy dey ask me sef?
“Na because of am wey she dey come na,” I no dey kuku fall hand.

“Ah. Sure boy. Tidy am well o.”

“Guy, my name no be Credit na. I be original Crash Cos!” Okay, make I tell una why we dey call am Credit. Credit na d shorten of “Hundred Naira Credit”. And I give am dat name because, according to him girlfriend, our guy “no dey tey before him finish.”

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One hour later, Napo dey my room and I wan remove her blouse.

“Crash Cos wait,” Oooooh god! Which kain wahala be dis? Why dis babe dey slow my movement?

“Wait say wetin happen?” I don dey vex where I dey sef,

“I never do dis kain tin before.” Napo come dey hide face for me.

“Which kain tin you never do before?” Napo come shame for face as she use hand point my ‘extension cable’. I shock.

“Napo, dem never take Patrick slap you before?” Napo shake head.

I don die for Lagos!

“Jisos! So you dey try tell me say as your yansh big like cinema television so, you never see Patrick?”

“Crash Course, I never see…”

“Why? Why? Patrick is good na! You must try to dey see am from time to time. Ehn. Napo give me one good reason why you never visit Patrick at this age. You nor dey see your mates? Crash Course no dey tear label o! No be me dey open shop!”

Omo na lie o. Dat day I open shop by force by force. Patrick cannot live by garage alone… e must to dey visit sardine container once once na.

When I dey with Jolomi, I fit control myself. But if Napo na sardine container, Jolomi na airport. I no know when I turn to Credit.

“Ahn ahn. Na wetin? Crash Course, you don finish?”

My eye don roll go back. E don sweet me die.  I just manage get myself abuse d girl. “Common sharrap dia!”

 

After my eye don clear, I realize say problem dey. I forget to wear Patrick im shower cap. I no know why na me dis kain tin dey always do. I tell Napo make she relax for house. I come go meet Credit where him dey sell chemist. When I reach, customer been plenty dia. I just waka cross the counter because Credit na my guy. I first greet am so dat dose people no go know say I come buy market. As I greet Credit finish, d idiot rush ask me.

“Guy, how d waka go na?”

“Waka go well but I need sontin,” I begin talk small small. “Wetin be d name of dat drug wey dem dey use commot belle?”

“Which one? Postinor?” The volume wey d bagger use call d name vex me. Na so I near am come pinch am for belle codedly.

“You want make everybody for area know say Crash Cos carry woman?” Credit squeeze face as d tin pain am wella.

“Na im make you wan wound me?” Him don get sense begin talk small small.

“Just give me d melecine joor.” Make dis guy no make me vex o.

“E don finish.” Him dey answer me as him dey waka go pick another drug wey customer ask for.

“You say wetin?” I nearly piss for body.

“E don finish. You no know say na ashewo girls full this area? Orile girls dey drink Postinor like Vitamin C.”

“Kaiiii! How I go do na?”

“I get another one.”

“Wetin b d name?” Credit sell d market wey e dey sell finish come face me.

“Impostinor.”

“Which one be dat?”

“Na like Postinor but na different people make am.”

“E go work so?”

“E supoose work na. Trust your boy.”

I been trust the fool. My mind be say e go work.

 

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But after like one month na im Kajeta call me dat yeye call:

“Hello, guy how far na?”

“Guuuuy! Yawa don gaaassssss o!”

“Ahn ahn. Wetin happen again?”

“Napodia don get belle!”

“Napo-wetin?”

My prayer be say na Jolomi way wey dis one go go. Maybe she no really get belle or na another bobo plant am. But Kajeta never drop phone  finish when my phone begin ring again.

 

“Oooooh! Kajeta na wetin again?”

“No oh. Na Credit.”

“Ah. Credit. Dis one wey you dey breathe fast fast, hope say you dey okay…”

“Ol boy no vex ehn, but somebody dey carry knife come find you for house.”

“Shooo! Who be dat?”
“I swear na force him force me to give am your address.”

“Oh. So na you give am my address?”

“How I for do na? Him been nearly make me swallow the knife first!”

“Ahn ahn… why dis person dey find me?”

“Hin dey find you kill because him say you spoil him life!”

“Whose life I spoil na? Who be dis person?” I never talk dat one finish when I hear wetin be like crase person outside my dommot.

GBA! GBA! GBA!

“OPEN DIS DOOR BEFORE I BREAK AM!!! OPEN DIS DOOR!!!!”

“Kajeta who be d person?!” Fear don dey catch me already. D person outside still dey shout:

“OPEN DIS DOOR!!! I WILL KILL YOU TODAY!!! BASTARD!” GBA! GBA! GBA! GBA! GBA!

Credit come answer me with bomb: “Crashito, na Napodia popsy o.”

Fuckuuuup…

As I dey hear the noise, I begin reason my next movement. Omo, na to fly window sure pass. I open curtain come jam thick thick burglary-proof…

Na god go punish my landlord!